into the sun

and as I start to leave
he grabs me by the shoulder and he tells me
whats left to lose you've done enough
and if you fail well then you fail but not to us.
cause these last three years I know they've been hard
but now its time to get out of the desert and into the sun
even if its alone

jade dragon box- k's story

disclaimer: if you are mormon you will care about the end of this post. mormons friggin love genealogy. 

my mom is in a private book group. it sounds silly, but its a big deal. the ladies who arent in it are always smoozing up to the ladies in it because they want a spot. i have royal blood and didnt even have to pass the usual background test. this month was the second time i went and it was just lovely. we read "letters from the jade dragon box." one of the ladies in the group is a narrator and recorded the audio book. i have tried a few audio books but can never stay focused. until this one. she was so so great i couldnt wait to get in my car and listen. so we all read the story and listened to her talk about her work. honestly: i was a teeny but disappointed when the book turned out to have a mormon theme. not that i dont love mormons... i am just around it 24/7 and would have liked a break from it for a bit to escape to china in my head. but that changed radically when i arrived at book group today. see, the main character was a mormon girl in hong kong who was separated from her family that lived in communist china and ended up finding her ancestral records. well guess who was sitting across the table from me. it just so happens that a woman in our group is a mormon girl from hong kong who was separated from her family that lived in communist china and ended up finding her ancestral records. suddenly the story was no longer fiction and i became entranced with everything she chose to share. i might have started to tear up a few times but covered it up by downing some chinese chicken salad. read on for the few, but fascinating things i learned about k's life.

k's great grandfather was a wealthy land owner in china and when the red guard took over, they lead the villagers to the family home to take what they wanted so the rich were no longer rich. they ripped the sacred family records off the wall. her family was forced to beg to try to survive but after being kicked and spat on her great grandmother and great aunt ran to the mountains to hide. another aunt was hung by her thumbs. the red guard suddenly killed her young grandfather and k could never find an answer to why. while waiting for order to be restored, k's great grandmother died and her great aunt, even after the revolution, could never bear to join society again and lived alone in the mountains the rest of her days.

her oldest uncle was entrusted with what was left of the family fortune and their scrolls of ancestors to try to escape the regime. when he arrived in hong kong he was just a teenager and instead of sending help to his family he abandoned them and spent his days doing tricks on the street. the family was left to suffer through the famine and communist china.

when k was 15 she lived in hong kong and remembers the day when her father held a secret meeting in his home. there was an eary mandatory silence all evening until the phone rang when all the men began speaking a secret dialect she could not understand. her mother could not keep the secret: the men were heading to the border to pay off guards. her uncle had swam through the shark infested waters of the chinese sea and, although he bumped into many floating dead bodies along the way, he arrived safely and was reunited with his family. he said he would rather be eaten by sharks than stay in the hell he was living.

eventually k moved to the united states and converted to the mormon church. she became very interested in what happened to the records of her ancestors. by remarkable chance, when she was on a mission in hong kong for her church she ran into one of her relatives who had the records. the woman refused to give her the information without $25 dollars. she was very poor and because her family had disowned her for converting to christianity, there was no one she could turn to for the money. she had to leave hong kong without her records. maybe she was not meant to have them, she thought. but she never forgot about them. years later she suggested to her husband that they begin to save so they could return to her country and search for the records. she finally saved the money, flew home, and after much work, found the records. however, because she was a woman they would not give her information. she had to fly home to america a third time empty handed. she prayed that god would give her comfort in her unfruitful efforts. one day she received a phone call from oregon where her estranged father told her that there had been a flood in his storage unit and she could have everything in it. after months of going through his treasures, she found the records of her ansestors dating back to 1400 AD. k believes that the records were kept hidden from the regime and spared through generations because they were meant for her, the only person on the planet who treasured them as they should be.



apparently taylor swift is my soul sister cause every word in this entire album is so where i am. numbers 2, 4, 8, 10 and 13 are like woah. i was sold when i heard the lyrics "loving you is like driving a new maseriti down a dead end street." im pretty much profesh at doomed relationships these days so the intense, passionate, toxic love she describes just speaks to me. and she is cute as hell. that, too. 


moved to dc. stop. thriving. stop.



i have a really great group of deaf friends here that i dont play with near as much as i want to. so when i was invited to havasupai i knew i had to go... even though i loathe camping. it ended up being even more than i bargained for. i had to try really hard not to cry on multiple occasions. i will never (mark my words) do something like this again. tyler was bit by a scorpion, sam almost stepped on a rattle snake, lindsay broke her foot, chris crashed brents car, linday ran out of gas and sams car lit on fire. also, it was hot. and there were bugs.
turns out i can interpret music for 11 hours without missing a beat. 

the girlies

mooney falls

the whole cray crew

the fourth in dc

i know i have abandoned this bloggy. i kinda feel like i share my life on insta and then have nothing else to talk about on here. thus- it seems this blog has become insta dump or silence. today it is insta dump. 

i briefly mentioned on a guest post i did that i have set a date to move to dc. that date is august 5th. i am completely terrified. and yet so very sure of how right this is for me. i went to visit last week to get some contracts set up for work, find a place to live, and to spend the fourth the best way i could think of- in our nations capital with my beautiful friends. when i came home on sunday i had to tell myself that i was visiting utah and would be back home in dc in a few weeks. i kept looking at my friends as we would drive past the white house or washington monument and saying "we live here." 

taking full advantage of the senators rooftop pool

mt vernon with my (patriotic) girls

independence eve with meggles


russia: the ballet

i was trained in russian classical ballet so this was high up there on the bucket list. the brief synopsis i emailed to my sister: The male prima was amazing! At half time the boys were schooling the girls bad. But the chicas proved themselves when in the third quarter they finally went en pointe. I caught a few people wobble landings form pirouettes but besides that it was flawless. Although we trained classical I noticed two huge differences: when leaping their back leg never leaves attitude  and when they beat from pique their leg only comes in half way. It felt so... wrong. But who am I to argue with Marius Petipa?! Also, the intermission was 45 minutes sandwiched between two 30 minute performances. Vodka is apparently the most important part of the evening. Gary wasn't too pleased with the seats or that ac hasn't moved east. I, however, was thrilled with the entire experience.

russia: day one

my twin brother/bff has been living in russia for the past six months. my mom, her husband, and i went to pick him up last week and it was just amazing. marky really loved it there; im surprised we got him to come home with us! russia has so. much. history. the place is fascinating! i am a lover of learning and it was a perfect place for me to be out of my element and in a culture i knew so little about. 

my favorite place in all of russia: church of our savior on spilled blood.

(for everyones information: in ballet, my hyperextension was coveted. girlfriend could leap. but in real life i just end up looking awkwardly similar to a gazelle. uncanny even.)

my buddy antone. i shit you not, he drank a red bull for breakfast. 

dinner at romanovs. cellar-like restaurants are my fave. 


cancun 2012 (aka my fb album for those who arent my fb friends)

with bff raych... pretty much my reason for living.

we didnt last a single night before we stripped off our clothes and ran screaming into the black ocean

we call these babies chimichangas. they like ice cream. and breathing in rachels ear. 

midnight beach run with megsies. in love with that one. 
i cant tell you how many hearts i captured in that swimsuit.
(actually i can. zero. which had no effect whatsoever on how freagin happy it made me.)

tulum ruins with my girls

i really really love when joshy dresses like a douche to go dancing.

oh hey girl hey

i only eat meat on special occasions. vacation is one of those occasions. so if you suggest a bacon cheeseburger at 6am as we are leaving mehico, i will prob take you up on it. 

this day was my favorite. becca isnt super great at unwinding, but i did for some reason on that beach and my soul said AHH.

tour guide nathan. and megan interpreting for no deaf patrons. we dont discriminate, people.


this is a real photo

bff luca was cleaning pucks off the ice during half time at the BYU/UVU game and totally ate shit. 
and i caught it on camera. 

(some mornings i look at this photo and remind myself that if luca can get up after biffing it in front of 7,000 people, i can at least get up and brush my teeth.)



this isnt a fashion blog.

i mean, im not horrible to look at (hello daily affirmations!) but im also more into books than looks. one of my very oldest friends is sister to natalie of (no) sex in the city. today she wrote something that spoke truth to me. like a testimony, but for fashion. ready?

1) all colors match.
2) we are all skinny enough to wear colored jeans.
3) neon jeans are best.

in the name of jesus christ, amen.



this site makes me so so happy. (nothing makes me crazy like a pessimist!)   the whole site is like a breath of fresh air... gives me the strength and peace i need to keep going :)

psst....check out homeboy industries on the top right. i ate at one of their locations last summer in malibu. so cool.




is this thing on?

i know i have been gone for a while. you can find me on insta or pinterest. 
truth is, i used to feel obligated to blog. i felt i needed to document my life for me- and for you. i needed to keep everyone up to date. but since the divorce i have just kinda done whatever the hell i wanted. which hasnt been blogging. i am doing well. making lots of healthy choices to set me up for an awesome future. soon i will have lots to blog about.

if i feel like it :) 



i am for reals really upset i dont live in seattle. they are building a food forest. i might die.

please please click over to racyh's blog to read this inspiring post? it fills my soul.

have you ever read something and been so happy that someone else had the right words to explain what you have been feeling? holly explains my anxiety to. a. T. if you or anyone you know (ahem thats all of us) suffers from anxiety, i highly suggest you take a gander.

my brother always finds the coolest shit. i am leagues behind him. and how cute is that chic!


featured first

why yes, that is the first diamond ring i bought myself

the lovely/amazing/beautiful/fabulous duo that is kristine and devon asked me to guest post for their featured first series. hello- i was tickled. head over to their bloggy to hear about what i have been doing while neglecting this blog. also- there might be an announcement tucked in there.